I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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