There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
