my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
