Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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