I think im going to throw up on grandma
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
