I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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