I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize