So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
NoShamevember. You game?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
