i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
