I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
