she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
