Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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