She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
