I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
