I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
