As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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