gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
