I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
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you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
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I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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