the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
40s are totally the cure
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
