Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
