saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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