I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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