It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
