i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i dont even know how to be here
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Such a big mess for such a small penis
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
