I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
