Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
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All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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