Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
