If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
