Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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