Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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