i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
