I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
