...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
how does that bad decision feel?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
