i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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