i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
