i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
