She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
