oh god the rape fog is back!
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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