My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
