Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
