A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
