I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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