I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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