So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
