I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
