we're chasing vodka with high fives
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
