I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
