I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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