i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
