I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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