I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
