i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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