I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
