So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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