Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
All the doctor said was why
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
