Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
